Perhaps it is a matter of the winter weather. I have long known that I am a SADs sufferer. Maybe it is only a matter of the dark days of winter at this point.
Or maybe it is a matter of being a grumpy old man. I am not that old, but maybe the years (and miles) are finally setting in. Perhaps I have just grown calcified in my thinking.
Or perhaps it is a matter of the schedule that happened this year. Maybe the combination of a slightly more difficult semester, a summer semester, a new class, and various minor details have simply worn me down.
But no matter the issue, I am tired.
I am tired of the things I am doing. Tired of the issues that have come up. Though perhaps not in the way that others have meant when they say the same…
I am tired of apologizing to students. I am tired of reading the first paper of the semester, the supposably light hearted “about me” type of introductory paper, and rather than reading “my favorite band is Blink 182″ instead reading “I am a survivor of domestic abuse.” I am tired of apologizing for that.
And I don’t mean that in a sort of Mens Rights, asshole kind of way. I am not complaining, as those self centered assholes do, that I shouldn’t have to apologize since I didn’t hit her. I want to apologize for the society that teaches that being a woman means you have the occupational hazard of being a target. I want to apologize for the sexist crap we treat women to, and the mentality that says that “jokes” like “What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Slap her and tell her to get back in the kitchen” are actually jokes. Apologizing isn’t the problem.
The problem is that an apology implies that we know something was done wrong, and we will make an effort to correct it in the future. And I see no evidence we are correcting the things I am sorry for.
I am tired of telling students who have just returned from multiple duty tours that I am sorry we don’t have a place for them in society, and yes, I understand that PTSD means you will be sitting in the back corner and may feel uncomfortable speaking up in class. Why? Because I see no evidence that we have noticed that the wars we sent them to fight where horrible ideas. I am tired of saying I am sorry, not because I am not sorry, but because I am so very sorry, and it doesn’t make one damn bit of difference.
I am tired of hearing students point out the ways in which the current American Jihad mentality says that if you have slightly darker skin, or a wear a head scarf you should be “randomly” searched every damn time you go to the airport. I am tired of it because that is my country misbehaving. We expect that from China. North Korea. Fine. But America? I am tired of apologizing for the day we became land of the marginally free assuming you are white male and christian, and home of the pathetic and fearful.
I am tired of explaining to the females in my classes that in most states they out number the males in college, but here in Utah we treat an education for females as optional to the point that women simply don’t enroll in the numbers they do in other states. I am tired of observing that female students are much more likely to take their education seriously in any given class, yet less likely to stay to finish a degree because I am teaching in a culture that says women go to college to meet a husband.
I am tired of reading the news. I am tired of reading that the ignorant morons the teabaggers elected are busy telling us that women don’t count, your votes shouldn’t count, oh and BTW, we can’t support your defense secretary nominee because of his nonexistent paycheck from a nonexistent group.
I am tired of news like the announcement of a bill that the Kansas house introduced that requires teachers to misinform students about climate science. I am tired of reading that the response to basic science on the part of a large chunk of the country is to pretend that science is not our single best method of finding facts. I am tired of watching people like the CNN anchor who thought global warming attracts meteors. I am tired of finally finding a threat republicans can see as a real threat after a meteor injures hundreds in Russia, only to have them blame Obama. Is there anything he can’t do?
And again, the problem is not that I don’t take some responsibility. We have failed as a nation when these issues come up. This kind of purposeful ignorance is something that we should have learned to deal with by now. But we haven’t. And we are all responsible. I am tired because we just don’t seem to give a damn.
I am tired of the paranoia, the end times mentality, the over privileged white male pricks making all of us look bad, the same BS mentality that lead Reagan supporters to claim protecting the environment was a waste of time because “Jesus will be back any day now, why care about clean water?” still being used 30 years later. Hell still being used 2000 years later! How long can a group be apocalyptic (many of you alive now will see the end times!) before we admit they don’t know jackshit?
I am tired of feeling like the average person is a 3 year old child, so afraid of imaginary monsters under the bed that they won’t get out from under the covers and leave while the very real fire burns the house down.
I feel like a nap won’t solve this.
I want to post about the minimum wage. About climate change, about VAWA. About the multiple studies showing that taxes and regulations dont hold back job creation. Hell I even want to post about the fact that David Beckham has a butt double. But I just can’t dredge up the energy to string the words together. Because honestly, I am not just tired, I have pretty much given up on human civilization. Let’s just admit that we screwed up, and do the noble thing and let another species give it a shot. Maybe the bees can take a crack at it.
Certainly they have more practice at being social.