Posts Tagged new years
Drink up, imbeciles.
We’d like to propose a toast.
Here’s to the Republican Party for a year no one will soon forget. When 2008 began, you were still hopeful. A long trend of Republican gay sex scandals had finally come to an end and you were thinking that maybe you could sneak out of the shadow of the worst president in memory and really shine. That didn’t quite work out.
You launched into a presidential primary crawling with Mormons, cross-dressers, gay-hating bass players, and one enraged septuagenarian. You ran the one least likely to be alive in November, and you paired him up with a beauty queen whose political talent amounted to knowing five different ways of saying, “I know you are but what am I?”
You spent much of the autumn being blamed for the worst economy since the depression, then you even managed to get blamed for not doing what was necessary to fix it.
You lost one veteran Senator to an indictment. Liddy Dole made sure that the Bush dynasty would be the only GOP family dynasty to come to an inglorious end this year. You became known as the party of hate-mongering, your “base” was characterized by people demanding that their opponent be murdered. In the end, you lost all three branches of government and your only victory was limiting the sweeping Democratic victory to a few Senators short of a filibuster proof majority. Congrats.
It was a tough year, but that won’t prevent you from going out with a bang, no sir. Even with everyone off for the holidays, you managed to get embroiled in a new controversy. Not a sex scandal or a kickback scam. No, you went over the top and had the candidate or party chairman become the focus of a controversy surrounding a song parody that has the word “Magic Negro” in the title. The best part about it, the cherry on the cake? As the “Magic Negro” song parody scandal reached its high point, many on your side began saying, “This could actually work out for us.”
This is where 2008 has taken you. You’re now in a place where the only thing you have to cling to is a novelty song that refers to the first black American president as a “Magic Negro.” That’s the train you’re going to ride straight into 2009. Magnificent.
So here’s to you, GOP. You really knew how to entertain this year. Let’s make 2009 even better. Happy New Year!