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Republican Jesus

Jesus With Handgun

The foregoing was lifted without permission and in its entirety. Republican Jesus is the central figure in the Republican religion and is the Jesus worshiped by Christian conservatives.

Republican Jesus shares many superficial qualities with the biblical Jesus, and in fact a minority of historians believe the two are actually the same figure. However, a growing body of evidence suggests that Republican Jesus was actually born in 1964 aboard a Goldwater campaign bus east of Flagstaff, and was recognized as the one true Republican messiah in 1980, in which role he continues to this day. Some of the more significant differences between the two Jesus’ philosophies:

The biblical Jesus preached at length about renouncing worldly possessions and giving to the poor. Republican Jesus believes that such handouts merely encourage the poor to be lazy, and that Christian charity is better practiced through massive tax breaks for the wealthiest citizens, who could then be expected to let the money “tinkle down” to the poor in the form of honest, if low-paying, jobs at upright Republican institutions like Wal-Mart.

Whereas the biblical Jesus is not known to have ever addressed the subject of homosexuality at all, let alone gay marriage, homosexuality is just about all Republican Jesus ever talks about. Indeed, in contrast to the biblical Jesus’ instruction to “love thy neighbor,” Republican Jesus specifically commands his flock to “Hate they neighbor, unless thou art sure he is not one of those fucking degenerate ass-bandits.” (Italics in the original.)

Likewise, the biblical Jesus’ views on abortion are unknown, whereas Republican Jesus made his feelings clear in the Parable of Harry Blackmun, in which a Supreme Court justice votes to legalize abortions and is subsequently cast into a pit of liquid fire for all eternity. The Parable of Harry Blackmun is believed to be the basis for the Christian conservative belief that it’s okay to pray for the death of a liberal as long as you don’t actually try to kill him yourself, or at least if you’re not likely to get caught.

The biblical Jesus threw the money changers out of the Temple. Republican Jesus welcomed them in, even going so far as to open the first known church inside a Wal-Mart.

The biblical Jesus spent most of his time among lepers, prostitutes, and other people who were shunned by society. Republican Jesus is notoriously afraid of AIDS, which he believes can be contracted in such ways as shaking hands with an infected person or using the same toilet seat, so he spends most of his time at the gun club or at home watching NASCAR races on television. Republican Jesus frequently talks about his intention to start donating money to hospice organizations or the Red Cross, but there is no evidence that he has ever done so.

In the Gospel of Matthew, the biblical Jesus says: “Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.”

In the equivalent passage in the Gospel of George, Republican Jesus says: “Ye have heard that it hath been said: Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. But I say unto you, Sendeth thou those Iraqi camel jockeys back unto the Stone Age before they dost get it into their filthy rag-wrapped heads to do the same to thee; sendeth thou a rain of cruise missiles on the unjust sand niggers, and maketh a sun of nuclear fire rise upon their evil asses. If anyone doth ask, just say they had weapons of mass destruction.” – Lifted without permission and in its entirety.

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