Posts Tagged richard okelberry

Republican Jesus

Jesus With Handgun

The foregoing was lifted without permission and in its entirety. Republican Jesus is the central figure in the Republican religion and is the Jesus worshiped by Christian conservatives.

Republican Jesus shares many superficial qualities with the biblical Jesus, and in fact a minority of historians believe the two are actually the same figure. However, a growing body of evidence suggests that Republican Jesus was actually born in 1964 aboard a Goldwater campaign bus east of Flagstaff, and was recognized as the one true Republican messiah in 1980, in which role he continues to this day. Some of the more significant differences between the two Jesus’ philosophies:

The biblical Jesus preached at length about renouncing worldly possessions and giving to the poor. Republican Jesus believes that such handouts merely encourage the poor to be lazy, and that Christian charity is better practiced through massive tax breaks for the wealthiest citizens, who could then be expected to let the money “tinkle down” to the poor in the form of honest, if low-paying, jobs at upright Republican institutions like Wal-Mart.

Whereas the biblical Jesus is not known to have ever addressed the subject of homosexuality at all, let alone gay marriage, homosexuality is just about all Republican Jesus ever talks about. Indeed, in contrast to the biblical Jesus’ instruction to “love thy neighbor,” Republican Jesus specifically commands his flock to “Hate they neighbor, unless thou art sure he is not one of those fucking degenerate ass-bandits.” (Italics in the original.)

Likewise, the biblical Jesus’ views on abortion are unknown, whereas Republican Jesus made his feelings clear in the Parable of Harry Blackmun, in which a Supreme Court justice votes to legalize abortions and is subsequently cast into a pit of liquid fire for all eternity. The Parable of Harry Blackmun is believed to be the basis for the Christian conservative belief that it’s okay to pray for the death of a liberal as long as you don’t actually try to kill him yourself, or at least if you’re not likely to get caught.

The biblical Jesus threw the money changers out of the Temple. Republican Jesus welcomed them in, even going so far as to open the first known church inside a Wal-Mart.

The biblical Jesus spent most of his time among lepers, prostitutes, and other people who were shunned by society. Republican Jesus is notoriously afraid of AIDS, which he believes can be contracted in such ways as shaking hands with an infected person or using the same toilet seat, so he spends most of his time at the gun club or at home watching NASCAR races on television. Republican Jesus frequently talks about his intention to start donating money to hospice organizations or the Red Cross, but there is no evidence that he has ever done so.

In the Gospel of Matthew, the biblical Jesus says: “Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.”

In the equivalent passage in the Gospel of George, Republican Jesus says: “Ye have heard that it hath been said: Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. But I say unto you, Sendeth thou those Iraqi camel jockeys back unto the Stone Age before they dost get it into their filthy rag-wrapped heads to do the same to thee; sendeth thou a rain of cruise missiles on the unjust sand niggers, and maketh a sun of nuclear fire rise upon their evil asses. If anyone doth ask, just say they had weapons of mass destruction.” – Lifted without permission and in its entirety.

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Richard Okelberry. Religious Leader and Poet?

Retraction and Update: The author of the poem linked herein was not authored by the same Richard Okleberries who hunts my dreams.

jux⋅ta⋅po⋅si⋅tion

[juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn]
–noun
1. an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast.
 

Inspired by Okelberries’ passion for poetry, I thought I would compile snippets of his writings here on OneUtah. === Enjoy!

Has Bush lied? …the WMD’s thing is a bad example.
Your delusions are the result of a serious mental condition/disability
Barack Obama is a strong opponent of gay marriage
You exhibit traits of my family who suffer from schizophrenia
Make penance! Repent sinner! Repent!
I’d love to see them try to abort babies without the lights on or electricity to power the fetal vacuum
I felt compelled to reveal my IQ
If you prove ACORN to be righteous that somehow wipes away Obama’s dishonesty?
My wife just delivered an awesome 8lb 1oz little boy.
Thank God she didn’t complain about a headache so she could abort the little guy.
Are you Schizophrenic or diagnosed for other Psychosis?
IQ tests are not simply a measure of intelligence
In Democrat areas the crime rate is through the roof.
Girls can go to Dr. Tiller (the baby killer) in Kansas
Liberals don’t really seem to have a problem with lying
Far more important than intelligence is to adopt philosophies that can be applied to a broad range of situations.
If you support abortion you are an Abortionist.
If you want to find crazy people all you have to do is look to the far left
You do know that even the Marine’s put God before country, right?
Admit that there are radicals filed with just as much hate on the left
Should we be electing a president that will bring certain reprisal?
Talk to your doctor about adjusting your meds
It is a LIE to say he lied.
Now did Obama lie? The better question is, when didn’t he?
Turn against Obama for bombing an abortion clinic
We know with all certainty that Obama is a Big Fat Liar
My analogy of the football player at Nebraska that drug his girlfriend down the stairs.
I am a huge Cornhuskers fan.
Obama make continually rubs elbows with Marxist’s and terrorists
How you spell VICTORY, dead kids in Iraq? Kill… Kill… Kill…
I suspect that you sir might just be one of the left-wing-extremists.
What does Osama bin Laden and Barrack Obama have in common?
A trick question is generally one that has no correct answer.
They both know someone who has bombed the Pentagon!
I feel for is all the strong black leaders who aren’t radical

In the process, I tried to count how many times he wrote the word ACORN and finally stopped after 67, less than half way through.

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